England can suck my old man balls.
With apologies to our foreign readers, who don’t give a shit about the Fourth of July….
Holy shit! If this doesn’t make you love America, you’re just a red-blooded commie what has no business enjoying today’s holiday.
A raging hard-on of a hat tip to Kissing Suzy Kolber.
It’s good to read the Old Texts every once in a while…
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
— John Hancock
New Hampshire:
Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton
Massachusetts:
John Hancock, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry
Rhode Island:
Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery
Connecticut:
Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott
New York:
William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris
New Jersey:
Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark
Pennsylvania:
Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross
Delaware:
Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean
Maryland:
Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton
Virginia:
George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton
North Carolina:
William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn
South Carolina:
Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton
Georgia:
Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton
Bork, bork, meep-meep…
You know how I know this is going to be the best 4th ever? Because with this as the lead-in, how can it not be?
Happy 4th y’all!
If I knew you could get credit for this, school would’ve been so much more fun
Over in the UK, a British student was taking something called the GCSE English exam, when he was faced with this question: “Describe the room you’re sitting in.”
The student’s eloquent response?
“Fuck off.”
A senior examiner was grading the paper and gave the student two points out of a possible twenty-seven, saying: “It would be wicked to give it zero, because it does show some very basic skills we are looking for - like conveying some meaning and and some spelling,” The examiner went on to say that the student would’ve gotten more points had he included an exclamation point, “because it would have been showing a little of skill.”
Fucking brilliant.
They should give points for such cuss-laden creativity on the Bar Exam. Speaking of which, I know at least one of our regular readers is getting ready for the final crunch of the post-3L hell that is studying for the Bar Exam. A word of advice — take this Fourth of July weekend off and don’t study at all. Put that shit aside for three days, tell your Bar/Bri books to “fuck off” and enjoy yourself. You’ll be the better for it.
The Daily Memo - 7/3/08
The DOJ is digging its nose into the Google/Yahoo deal to make sure there’s nothing sketchy going on there. (Washington Post)
Whoops — seems that the Supremes made a teensy factual error in their “no death penalty for kiddy rape” decision. (NY Times)
W is all sorts of blinky. (Legal Antics)
Richard Posner decided to use one of his opinions to defend the good name of ostriches everywhere. (Supreme Dicta)
I bet Minnesota’s labour laws aren’t the only ones Wal-Mart has violated. Just saying. (Reuters)
Were they normal silk jammies, or underoos? Inquiring minds want to know, damn it!
Bobby Gardocki made the curious decision to chase Michael Estrada down the streets of New York, while wearing pajamas. Estrada didn’t take too kindly to this, calling out “stop this crazy guy — he’s trying to kill me.” The police were happy to oblige, tackling Gardocki and letting Estrada carry on his way.
The thing of it is, Gardocki told the cops that he was chasing Estrada because Estrada had stolen several thousand dollars worth of jewelry from his apartment. The cops didn’t believe Gardocki, of course, until another tenant of his building happened to walk by and convinced the cops that Gardocki was an upstanding citizen. So they then went after Estrada, who they found nearby. Nice trick by Estrada though, and it would’ve worked if it wasn’t for that pesky neighbor.
The Discriminatingest Place on Earth
Sukhbir Channa has sued Disney World (that’s the Florida one — I dunno about you, but I always get World and Place fucking confused) for discrimination. Channa is a Sikh and, as such, has long hair (and, presumably, a big ol’ beard) and wears a turban. But he says that when he applied to be a trumpet player at Disney World back in 2006, he was told that he didn’t have the “Disney look,” thank you very much. Channa is looking for a nice $1 million payout.
Disney says that, first, they’ve got no record of Channa applying for that job and, second, of course it doesn’t discriminate. Against anyone. Ever. Because that would go against the spirit of famous Jew-hater Walt.
Rule number one, never run out of Colt 45. Rule number two, never forget rule number one.
I’ve been known to frequently speak ill of my hometown of Philadelphia. But one thing I truly love about the place is the Mural Arts Program, which is responsible for thousands of internal and external murals all over the city. It’s really awesome to see well-done public art in some of the ugliest and roughest areas of the city, and it’s one of the few things I believe is really going right for a city that’s been in a lot of trouble socially and financially (not to mention sports-ally) for some time.
Which I bring up because the city has cracked down on a couple of murals for crossing the line from art to illegal advertising. Seems that Pabst Beer paid from some wall space so that murals incorporating its Colt 45 malt liquor could go up. Which basically amounts to an illegal billboard. The city has tried contacting Pabst to scold them, and has issued citations to the businesses which took payment for their wall space (at least one business admits to taking $1,000 from Pabst for a Colt 45 mural).
Here are some samples of the non-advertising murals scattered around the city (my personal favorite is the one I included up top):
Emtpy Threats
I’ll always love The Usual Suspects, but whatever with that. See you later Stephen — have a good time wherever you’re going (the highlight of the clip comes at the tail end, and I know he’s kinda-sorta-mostly joking and poking some fun at his brother, but that’s not going to stop me from poking some fun at him):
(Hat tip to Defamer.)
I believe that, on the open market, it’s five cats for one dog
In Greenacres, Florida (where else?), Linda Urioste has been arrested because of her dog. Sorta.
Back in May, her black labrador went up and missing. The dog, Scooby, was found by animal control and eventually adopted by Jutta Hollar and her husband, who renamed the pooch Buddy. Two weeks later, they found out that Urioste was looking for her dog, and the Hollars met with with Urioste to talk about the situation. According to Jutta, Urioste “was very rude and yelled at us and treated us really not very nice,” so she and her husband decided to keep Sccoby/Buddy.
Urioste threatened to sue them, but the Hollars didn’t budge. So a few days later, Urioste decided to kidnap their cat, leaving the following message on their answering machine:
I was the used-to-be-owner, but I was wondering if you were missing a gray pussy cat. Because a pussy cat ran out in front of my car not far from your house and I saved its life. I almost ran him over. So, I was just wondering how you are enjoying Scooby, because I am enjoying your pussy cat while he is in his crate. You call it crate, I call it a cage. Have a nice day
The Hollars called the police, who found their cat Mitz with Urioste, and arrested her for theft and extortion.
The Daily Memo - 7/2/08
Chief Justice Johnny cited Bob Dylan? That’s awesome. (Even if he kinda botched the quote.) (Above the Law)
With a hat tip to reader three elle, I gotta agree — it is great living in a state that continually tries to give a big pot smoking, gay marrying, middle finger to the Federal government. (LAist)
Law firms sometimes operate in the murk between zeal and unethical? Naaaaah. (WSJ Law Blog)
Thanks to rising gas prices, Georgia police are adding a surcharge to folks they have to chase. (BBC News)
A law banning annoying people while the Pope is in town is the first step to a brilliant law always banning annoying people. Rock on, Sydney. (Fox News)
The exorcisms at night, can be a rough fright … deep in the heart of Texas!
The Texas Supreme Court has basically ruled that it’s ok for a church to beat the shit out of a girl in the name of exorcism:
In a 6-3 decision, the justices found that a lower court erred when it said the Pleasant Glade Assembly of God’s First Amendment rights regarding freedom of religion did not prevent the church from being held liable for mental distress triggered by a “hyper-spiritualistic environment.”
Laura Schubert testified in 2002 that she was cut and bruised and later experienced hallucinations after the church members’ actions in 1996, when she was 17. Schubert said she was pinned to the floor for hours and received carpet burns during the exorcism, the Austin American-Statesman reported. She also said the incident led her to mutilate herself and attempt suicide. She eventually sought psychiatric help.
But the church’s attorneys had told jurors that her psychological problems were caused by traumatic events she witnessed with her missionary parents in Africa. The church contended she “freaked out” about following her father’s life as a missionary and was acting out to gain attention.
The 2002 trial of the case never touched on the religious aspects, and a Tarrant County jury found the Colleyville church and its members liable for abusing and falsely imprisoning the girl. The jury awarded her $300,000, though the 2nd Court of Appeals in Fort Worth later reduced the verdict to $188,000.
Justice David Medina wrote that finding the church liable “would have an unconstitutional ‘chilling effect’ by compelling the church to abandon core principles of its religious beliefs.”
Thank god they’re so fucking stupid…
How many times do we hear about stupid kiddy porn lovers who get busted because they leave their sick, illegal crap on their computers when they take them in to get worked on? Yeah, well 57-year-old Peter Macdonald is now a proud member of that fraternity. The moron took his computer into a local Kansas tech store to have a new hard drive installed. When technicians fired up the computer, they didn’t even have to be nosy to find the kiddy porn — Old (sicko) Macdonald had a fucking porno picture of a young boy set as the frigging background on his desktop. Game, set, match.
Scumbag is now facing up to 7 years in the clink.
‘Scuse me — you got change for thirty grand?
Poor Rodney Dennis. As if it wasn’t bad enough that the dude was a city employee stuck with the crappy job of emptying parking meters, the city he happened to work in was Newark, New Jersey. I mean, have you ever been to New Jersey, particularly Newark? Miserable, I’ll tell you what.
So I get why Dennis would want to do whatever the hell he could to get himself a better life. And if that “whatever the hell he could” happens to be stealing over thirty grand in coins, so be it. Unfortunately for Dennis, the NJ authorities don’t quite see it that way, and he’s now been indicted with official misconduct and theft (which is on top of the fact that he was fired back in February).
And for those who are curious, turns out that thirty grand worth of quarters stack up to about 700 feet. Fox News, reporting the hard facts!
Girls don’t make passes…
In an incident that could easily be on the next episode of “Reno 911!,” an actual Reno, Nevada prostitute hops into a car looking to make a quick deal, completely ignoring the fact that it is a cop car. True, the detective was in plain clothes and the car unmarked, but the police radio was blaring (she even had to scream in order to be heard over it), and the emergency lights were on the dash.
But, unlike other cases of criminals lacking situational awareness, she had a logical and sound reason for doubting the apparent proof of the cop’s identity:
“You wear glasses, and I didn’t think police could wear them,” she told him.
I heard that, if you think a guy is an undercover, you should ask him if he is a cop three times. He can’t lie on the third time. You don’t think that one is fake too, do you?
Vampires drink blood to stay alive, but what do pedophiles drink?
In at least one instance. Well. Uhm … kiddie piss.
Fifty-six-year-old Alan D. Patton, an admitted child molester, has been arrested for trying to collect piss from a men’s restroom because he apparently want to drink little boy piss.
And he’s been busted for this before.
Patton’s lawyer says that he suffers from urophilia, an “illness” involving sexual gratification and piss.
Awww … poor guy. See, he’s just sick. Hopelessly and derangedly sick.
For the curious among you, here was Patton’s simplistic collection methodology: “Patton was found in a men’s restroom where he had allegedly covered toilet seats in plastic wrap, shut off water to urinals and placed Styrofoam cups in them.” Then, just lurk and wait and, before you know it, fresh kiddie pee.
This wonderful specimen of a man has a great history too, from 1994’s conviction for sexually assaulting four young boys, to five other arrests for voyeurism and public indecency, among other things, to a 2006 arrest for trying to collect piss at a movie theater.
Where the fuck is Three Strikes when you need it?
(Hat tip to a “long time reader, first time tipster” who requested anonymity. No wonder — who wants to be associated with this scumbag?)
Shitting Myself … Adventures Before the Ninth Circuit
With the Supremes’ latest term at a close, it should come as little surprise that, yet again, the Ninth Circuit was reversed like a mother fucker. The Supremes absolutely loathe the crazy and wacky decisions that come out of the country’s biggest appellate circuit and, this term, eight of the ten Ninth Circuit cases that came before the Big Court were reversed. Interestingly, it’s not always (stricly) about political lines, as Judge Pamela Rymer had the distinction of being overturned twice this term, despite being a conservative Bush Sr. appointee.
This story serves as the perfect way to make a little confession. See, I’m a pretty even-keeled guy. Little makes me truly nervous or really gets under my skin. But I recently learned that it looks like I’m going to get to argue a pro bono case before the Ninth Circuit in just over a month and I’m not afraid to admit that, while I’m excited as hell about it, it also kind of scares the shit out of me. I’ve argued before federal and state trial courts countless times, and while I get a little of the excited-nerves sometimes, I’m never truly jittery. Just last month, I basically got my ass handed to me for a half-hour by a Magistrate judge, and it was kinda fun more than nerve-wracking or anything else.
But this. I’m doing everything I can to keep my bowels from fucking exploding, man. I know the case and the facts as well as one can. But I think what scares me most is that there’s a ton of relevant case law, and I have a piss-poor fucking memory. And I know that I need to cram as much of this shit into my head as possible, so that I can pull out whatever I need during the oral argument if I have a particularly “hot” bench (that is, one that asks lots of questions).
I’ll try to blog more about the experience over the coming month (or, at least, after the fact), although as busy as I am at work in addition to having to prepare for this oral argument, I’m not sure how much time I’ll have for that. Not to mention all the pairs of drawers I’m going to have to clean.
The Daily Memo - 7/1/08
Blawg Review #166 is coming at us from the other side of the pond courtesy of QuizLaw’s favorite British vulgarian legal blogger. (GeekLawyer)
The Scalia says it’s Gore’s fault the Supremes had to pick the President in 2000. And, well, he’s not totally wrong. (WSJ Law Blog)
A NY Supreme Court judge didn’t love, so much, her 25 years on the bench. (Above the Law)
If it weren’t for the Ninth Circuit, we’d never know that Congress has never done us a solid by defining what a “live tree” is. (May It Please the Court)
Whatever man — Legal Sea Foods is way overrated. (WSJ Law Blog)
How sweet it is…. (43(B)log)
How to Get Your Parole Revoked, 201
Hello class. For those of you who don’t know what you’ve signed up for, this course is pretty straightforward. We’re going to talk about what to do when you’re released from prison and just want to get back. Last semester, we talked about the easy way to get parole revoked, by simply not showing up to meet with your parole officer. But that’s boring. There’s no art to it, no panache. To take it to the next level, you have to get creative.
Marcus George, a 20-year-old Arkansas parolee, is the perfect example. When George decided he wanted to go back to prison, he didn’t just skip out on his parole. Nah, that’s fucking kid’s play. Instead, George did show up to meet with his parole officer, only he did so in a stolen car. So now he gets to return to jail with some shiny new convictions pending. Whatever with your broken parole — this is how to get things done kids.
Everyone go home and study by thinking of the best type of criminal evidence you could present to your parole officer in the hopes of getting re-arrested. Class dismissed.
How to Get Out of a Speeding Ticket, 201
Hello class. Last semester, you learned about some of the basic ways to get out of a speeding ticket. Be polite and truthful, maybe have a pretty lady sitting in the passenger seat who can bat her eyelashes at the manly Mr. Police Officer, etc. But that’s kid’s play. Now we’re getting into the real shit.
Today, I’d like to tell you about Jacob Lévy, a Canadian rabbi. Lévy was recently in municipal court to fight the ticket he got for speeding down a road at 120 km/hour. He explained to the court that this speed was reasonable and necessary because he was rushing to help out in a medical emergency, namely, a baby boy who was bleeding as a result of a circumcision gone awry. The court agreed that this established the “necessity” of his speeding, and Lévy’s ticket was quashed.
So today’s lesson is this — penis threats always justify speeding. Class dismissed.
OK, maybe Florida isn’t entirely worthless
…After all, this “Brothel Bus” sounds pretty solid. For $40, folks could ride a sleek bus down Collins Ave, complete with open bar, lap dances, a curtained-off VIP section and a bit of sucky-sucky or fucky-fucky (everything but the open bar cost extra, of course). But the good time ride is over, now that undercover cops have busted the not-so-free ride.
The bus driver was charged with transporting for the purpose of prostitution and possession of a controlled substance (he had some Viagra on him, presumably for customers having trouble getting their Miami beached). But I love what the six women on the bus were charged with — violating a dance hall ordinance. It’s like fucking Flashdance all over again, man!
(Hat tip to Harlan over at Supreme Dicta.)
The Daily Memo - 6/30/08
Hat tip to WIMB’s Stacey for this rather NSFW link. (Boobs4Barack)
Free-floating Mylar balloons may soon be illegal in California. (Curbed LA)
U.S. News is considering some tweaks to its methodology for ranking law schools. Can it stop penalizing BU for having a hideous law tower, please? (Above the Law)
A book about patents, murder and conspiracy? Not my idea of beach reading, but to each their own. (Patently-O)
Congressional hypocrisy? Naaaaaah…. (Supreme Dicta)
More on the Supreme’s big, big Second Amendment decision. (WSJ Law Blog)
Is Amazon facing just a smidge of tax trouble? (inRich)
Get your hands off my science text book, you damn dirty ape!
Mother fuck. One of my biggest pet peeves, in a day and age where there are a lot of things that get my blood boiling, are these hick mother fuckers who simply can’t deal with the fact that evolution happened. The fact of the matter is, you can reconcile science and religion if you are truly so inclined. But all across this country, backwoods mother fuckers would rather blindly believe the Bible as being literal text, accepting that Eve came from a mother fucking rib and that the dinosaurs are just God’s version of a senior prank (what, he didn’t have enough gelatin power to turn the oceans into a big flobbly bowl of Jello?).
The impetus for me getting all bent out of shape is that Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has signed the Science Education Act into law, ensuring that Louisiana students will be able to have the tripe that is Intelligent Design stuffed down their poor unsuspecting throats. Specifically, the law allows local school boards to authorize teachers to teach things that critique scientific theories. However, as Ars Technica puts it:
Unfortunately, it’s remarkably selective in its suggestion of topics that need critical thinking, as it cites scientific subjects “including, but not limited to, evolution, the origins of life, global warming, and human cloning.”
Oddly, the last item on the list is not the subject of any scientific theory; the remainder are notable for being topics that are the focus of frequent political controversies rather than scientific ones.
It will come as little surprise to those of us who are truly capable of critical thought that the legislation is supported by a host of religious organizations, and the Discovery Institute (an anti-evolution think tank) helped write the fucking thing. This is only the first wave people, so buckle up and get ready for the continued dumbing down of America.
Now if we could just get some legislation protecting us from shitty Jerry Bruckheimer movies…
I hate Jerry Bruckheimer. Hate. He and Michael Bay are responsible for foisting some of the worst celluloid crap upon us this side of Uwe Boll. And I think it’s 1998’s Armageddon which really made my relationship with Bruckheimer irreconcilable. But the one good thing to come out of that movie is that at least folks now take the asteroid-smashing-into-Earth threat seriously. Which is why the House of Representatives recently passed H.R. 6063, legislation which would require NASA to come up with a plan to get a tracking device placed upon the Apophis asteroid, which is on track to come mighty close to our pale blue dot sometime in 2029.
In addition to paying close attention to Apophis, the bill requires the Director of the White House’s Office of Science and Technology Policy to come up with a policy for notifying Federal agencies and other emergency response groups of an impending near-Earth object threat. Hopefully they’ll come up with better plans than whatever it is they have enacted for natural disasters now, because their track record doesn’t really inspire confidence.
No doubt. No doubt.
Speaking of Bruckheimer, and this is absolutely a true story — I walked by him this weekend at The Grove, a fancy-schmancy outdoor mall here in LA. And without even thinking, my right hand clenched into a fist and I found myself overcome with a raging desire to slug him in the belly with all of my might. While I know controlling this urge was the right thing to do in the grand scheme of things, there is a part of me that will forever regret the decision (the same part of me that regrets not taking advantage of the opportunity, when I met Bill Cosby, to ask him what the fuck happened to Jello Pudding Pops).
Congrats to Espana
In honor of Spain pulling out a great win in the Euro 2008 tournament, here’s a soccer related story for all you footie fans. Over in Jolly Ol’, the police pulled over a car for speeding. The passenger decided to give a false name and, like others before him, had the bad luck of picking a name belonging to a wanted burglar. So he was arrested and taken in to the local police station. Amidst two hours of questioning, the man admitted that he wasn’t the wanted burglar. Rather, he claimed, he was Michael Thomas, a well known soccer star who had played for Arsenal and Liverpool.
Said a police source: “Nobody could believe it when he suddenly said, ‘Actually I’m Michael Thomas’. We hear things like that all of the time and thought he was having a laugh.” But he wasn’t having a laugh, and he was eventually released. Thomas now claims that the cops said he was specifically targeted because he was a black guy who seemed to have a lot of money, and he’s considering filing an official complaint.
And for the record, Arsenal sucks.
(And congrats to Spain for a well-deserved win, especially with the loan goal coming from my Liverpool boy El Nino!)
My eyes … these goggles, they do nuzzing!
I’m no better than most everyone else. If I hear there’s a celebrity sex tape, I kinda want to see it just because. However, I have no, no, no desire to see the sex tape starring Verne “Mini-Me” Troyer, which TMZ started showing footage of last week. And apparently, Troyer realizes what an American travesty it is for others to see him getting his mini on, so he’s now sued TMZ over its showing of the footage.
The story his camp is spinning is that the tape of him and his ex-girlfriend was stolen and, despite being sent several cease-and-desist letters, TMZ chose to post and continue hosting the footage. I’m no supporter of Troyer, who seems like a raging mini-douchebag (although he is responsible for one of the greatest moments of reality TV ever, him standing naked on a scooter pissing in the corner of the “Surreal World” living room). But in this case, I hope his lawsuit causes TMZ to fucking fold up shop, never to be heard from again. Because just knowing that I could accidentally stumble upon online video of Troyer doing whatever dirty things he’s on video doing … well, it’s doesn’t give me a special feeling down there.
“George Carlin Is In Hell. Deal With It.”
If Heaven admitted Westboro Baptist Fuck, Fred Phelps, I’d gladly walk into the flames of Hell with a smile on my face.
Friday’s in Colostomy Bag Punditry
“The last football game we’ll ever get to see before the United States gets blown up by the Islamists under Obama.” … Hugh Hewitt, June 25, 2008.
1) Wow! 2) Who the hell is Hugh Hewitt; and 3) I hope Ohio State wins. I fucking hate the Trojans.
What the Hell is Going on in Canada?
Last week, we gave you the absolutely ridiculous case in Canada where a 12-year-old girl sued her father because she felt her punishment was too harsh and won. This week, the Human Rights Tribunal in Vancouver has agreed to hear a case brought against a stand-up comedian by two lesbians, who are complaining that … well … the comedian was being too mean to them, after the two lesbians heckled him
(!)
Isn’t that what comedians do? Mock hecklers by making stereotypical jokes about them? Is something going on in Canada? Seriously: Does the legal system have so little to do that they would actually entertain this case?
Still, I wish to hell I knew what the comedian said about the lesbians to prompt a couple of drunk gravy swappers to file suit. Those Canadians: They’re, like, legislating politeness now, aren’t they? The whole goddamn country should be forced to spend a month in Jersey, just to toughen them up a little. Sheesh.
The Daily Memo - 6/27/08
The Secret Service is a bunch of heartless bastards, getting a crazy homeless guy tossed in the clink for five years just cause he said he wanted to head down to DC to shoot Mr. Bush. (Above the Law)
Earlier this week, the NY Supremes tossed a case where a woman was suing her rabbi because, get this, she claimed that he talked her into having sex with him in order to help her find a husband. (Law.com)
It has nothing to do with laws and privacy and discrimination — you simply don’t shit where you eat, people. (LawInfo)
Facebook’s long legal nightmare is finally over, and its owners can get back to rolling around in fitty dolla bills. (NY Times Blog)
No matter how much time you give the poor bastard for his stupid lawsuit, he’s still going to be, at the end of the day, a NY Jets fan. (SI)
Crazy midget Prince is suing a bunch of folks who recorded covers of his songs for his birthday. (Wired)
